Man, what am I even doing in life?
This question gets asked so much, that almost everyone I know has internalised this. I bet you even read that in the same voice in which you ask it to yourself on a regular basis.
I’m 20, and the way it’s been made out to me is that this is the time I need to set the sails in the direction of my working life. And so, step one would be to figure out, you guessed it, what I want to do.
“I don’t know man” is the answer I give myself, every time I try to seriously answer this question. “How am I supposed to figure out what to do in life, I don’t even know what to get for dinner”, being an honourable mention.
But that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried, so let me walk you with what I have so far.
Theory #1: Mazze (or for the intellectuals; hedonism).
“Just do what makes you happy bro” - Without even going any further, can we just agree this one just seems really suspicious? For the sake of being exhaustive, we’ll explore it anyways.
Well then, playing FIFA with my friends makes me happy, so does eating cake and drinking. Unsurprisingly, if done in excess they negatively impact my physical and mental health. *EHHHH!!! ❌ * wrong answer, try again.
“No man, I meant like follow your passion and stuff bro” - Well, which passion? I like coding, but I’m not exactly happy when it’s 2 AM and my website’s leaderboard feature is showing user’s in reverse order (weird plug: shabdify.com, Indian NYT Connections).
I like playing sports, but to get half decent at it, I need to spend hours running out of breath, doing endless drills. That sounds quite literally the opposite of happy.
You know this, I know this, but for being exhaustive, I’ll try and explain why I think this is a really bad idea. But first, I’d like to introduce you to one of my favourite quotes
We have Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions, and god-like technology.
I believe Paleolithic emotions, who I will affectionally refer to as “monkey brain”, to be the root cause of this happiness nonsense.
You see, in my experience, this monkey brain (limbic system, amygdala etc etc) still has the remote to the happiness centre from back in the day. The problem is it presses the buttons for completely outdated reasons. It doesn’t help that capitalism has figured this out before we did and has hijacked it with Krispy Kreme and TikTok. God-like technology 1 - Monkey brain 0
Having driven the point far past home, it can be said that almost all things worth doing require a significant amount of time spent doing something that isn’t being “happy”.
Okay we’re getting somewhere, so being happy is good but you can’t use that as your only metric.
That conveniently brings us to,
Theory #2: Oh you work at Jane Street? That’s so cool
I'll admit it - when I heard how much they were paying quants, I completely lost it. I can’t even blame monkey brain here because it isn’t completely wrong, money is important to live in society and a strong status symbol.
And, if you have the aptitude and innate desire to do any of the things society finds appealing? fantastic, for the rest however;
Here’s the catch: Me doing things because other people (“society”) think they're cool sounds great until I’m the one who has to keep doing them every day. The (fortunate) truth is that no one really cares. Beyond my parents and close family (who I hope just want me to be fulfilled), and friends (who hopefully like me for who I am), I'm the one who has to live with these choices.
Great, so now what?
Well, recently I found myself drawn to a deeper wisdom - one that's been around for millennia in the Bhagavad Gita (and since in the 1990s when Mahabharata aired, and more importantly for me uploaded to YouTube 10 years ago). When Krishna speaks to Arjun about karma and purpose.
If you’re unfamiliar with the premise, I would highly suggest reading or watching the show yourself, but essentially Arjun is faced with the moral dilemna of whether he should engage in war with his cousins, the Kauravas and is conversing with Krishna, who is his charioteer. I can gurantee you no matter who you are, you can relate to this conversation, link (thank you whoever uploaded this, you are literally doing God’s work)
When Krishna says, "Tum is pal ko keval vyaktigat labh aur vyaktigat haani ki tula me tol rahe ho. Yehi to moh ka bandhan hai Parth, yehi to tumhari shok ka jad hai. Aur isi liye tumhara yeh kayar, aur kalank me doobne waala shok na tumhara hit mein hai aur na hi samaj ke hit mein. Yeh shok na vartaman ke liye shubh hai aur na bhavishya ke liye. Laabh aur haani ki is kaamna me na bhatko Parth, na bhatko. Keval karm karo, Karm. Karm to apne aap mein punya hai.”
[Krishna is saying: "Right now, you're just weighing this moment in terms of personal gain and personal loss. This attachment is what binds you Parth, this is the root of your sorrow. And that's why this cowardly, shameful sorrow serves neither your interest nor society's. This sorrow is neither good for the present nor for the future. Don't lose yourself in this desire for profit and loss Parth, don't get lost. Just do your karma, do karma. Karma itself is virtue."]
I bring this up because, purpose is a really interesting take in this context. It is distinctly different from passion. Passion, happiness these are all indulgent pursuits. Purpose implies working for something bigger than you.
For some, this purpose can be excellence in a sport/skill, their child, their God. If you’re looking for one, I find contributing to society in the way you think you can best, being a noble and useful purpose to have.
As to what and how? Well, there are all kinds of roles in this vast machinery we call human civilization. What fascinates me is how it all works together. On the one hand, it’s daunting to realize that no single person can just wake up and change the world today - that kind of impact needs time, collaboration, and often a bit of luck. But on the one hand, when you gather the right people, align their purposes and build together - you can really achieve anything. And the beauty of this machinery is that it needs all types of people: the dreamers and the doers, the artists and the analysts, the leaders and the craftsmen. The key isn’t finding the ‘best’ role but understanding your purpose and serving it fully.
So far this has kept those questions at bay internally - as for the rest, I just tell people I'm preparing for an MBA.